The Great Kings of Assyria Reply to Spam Texts

Royal titulary, badass introductions, and how to irritate spambots

I Get SO MANY Spam Texts

These days, anyone with a phone is constantly plagued by robocalls and fake texts.

Not my phone, but an accurate representation

There may be hope on the horizon, as the FCC recently made combatting robocalls and ID spoofing a priority. I’m doubtful though — the FCC simply lacks the raw military might to enforce their will on bothersome, noisy subjects, robotic or not.

With the help of two friends of the blog, I have developed a superior strategy for combatting the innumerable hordes of spambots, one with a rich and ancient pedigree: I simply introduce myself.

Esarhaddon and Sennacherib, friends of the blog

The Names and Deeds of Our Ancestors

In times past, it was crucially important to have a really good introduction.

Ramesses the Great

The Egyptian Pharaohs were no slouches at naming, having not one, but five royal names.

Ramesses holding his enemies by their hair.

Here is the name of Ramesses II, greatest Pharaoh of the New Kingdom:

Royal Titulary of Ramesses II

Horus, The Strong Bull, Beloved of Ra!

Two Ladies, Protector of Egypt, who Subdues Foreign Lands!

Golden Horus, Rich in Years, Great in Victories!

King of Upper and Lower Egypt, User-Maat-Re (The Justice of Ra is Powerful), Chosen of Ra!

Son of Ra, Ra-mes-su (Ra has fashioned him), beloved of Amun!

Beowulf

Here is Beowulf, hero of the eponymous Old English poem, introducing himself to King Hrothgar:

‘Hail to thee, Hrothgar! I am Hygelac’s kinsman and vassal; on many a renowned deed I ventured in my youth… the worthiest of my people and wise men counselled me to come to thee, King Hrothgar; for they had learned the power of my body’s strength; they had themselves observed it, when I returned from the toils of my foes, earning their enmity, where five I bound, making desolate the race of monsters, and when I slew amid the waves by night the water-demons, enduring bitter need, avenging the afflictions of the windloving Geats, destroying those hostile things - woe they had asked for.

And now I shall with Grendel, with that fierce slayer, hold debate alone with the ogre.

— Translation by J. R. R. Tolkien

The poem? Awe-inspiring. The movie? Much less awe-inspiring, but 13-year old me definitely appreciated Grendel’s mother.

The Mesopotamian Tradition

But, as good as the Egyptian names are for overawing your enemies, and as great as the deeds of Beowulf are, no royal titulary holds a candle to the Mesopotamian tradition, handed down from the very first emperor in recorded history — Sargon of Akkad.

The Persians, the Babylonians, the Akkadians, and many others exist in the Mesopotamian tradition, but no one has ever done it better than the Neo-Assyrians.

We here at Maximum Effort have written before about the psychological impact of the Assyrian courtly art style, replete with curly-bearded winged spirits and towers of severed heads. Their royal proclamations are equally majestic.

Here is Ashurbanipal, introducing himself:

I am Ashurbanipal, Great King, Strong King, King of the World, King ofAssyria, King of the Four Quarters!

[I am the] son of Esarhaddon, King of Assyria, Governor of Babylon, King of the land of Sumer and Akkad,

Scion of Sennacherib, King of the world, King of Assyria!

— The Royal Inscriptions of Ashurbanipal (668–631 BC), Aššur-etel-ilāni (630–627 BC), and Sîn-šarra-iškun (626–612 BC), Kings of Assyria, Part 1

Ashurnasirpal II, third king of the Neo-Assyrians and famed for his brutality, introduces himself as the “trampler of all enemies … who defeated all his enemies [and] hung the corpses of his enemies on posts.”

In ancient times, these titles were public expressions of the power and majesty of the king — in modern times, they’re excellent for getting rid of spam text messages.

Esarhaddon (Aššur-aḫa-iddina) and Sennacherib (Sîn-ahhī-erība) Help Me with Spam Texts

Esarhaddon overawes a cop and an FBI agent!

Esarhaddon cares nothing for ballot initiatives!

Sennacherib, Destroyer of Babylon, Talks to a Bot!

Sennacherib meets an appropriately reverent subject!

Esarhaddon is no hairstylist!

A Request from Maximum Effort

Personally, I am loving the responses I get with this strategy, which I have decided to name “King Phishing.” Try it out yourself!

I’ve included some copy-paste-able, lightly edited Assyrian inscriptions for you to try out. If you get a good response, send it to me and I'll include it in my collection!¹

Introductions:

1. I am Esarhaddon! The great king, the mighty king, king of the Universe, king of Assyria, viceroy of Babylon, king of Sumer and Akkad, son of Sennacherib, the great king, the mighty king, king of Assyria, grandson of Sargon, the great king, the mighty king, king of Assyria; who under the protection of Assur, Sin, Shamash, Nabu, Marduk, Ishtar of Nineveh, Ishtar of Arbela, the great gods, his lords, made his way from the rising to the setting sun, having no rival.

2. Behold! For I am Aššur-nāṣir-apli, the great king, the mighty king, King of Assyria! King of kings, having gained dominion over all highlands and received their tribute, capturer of hostages, who is victorious over all countries by the power of Assur, my lord.

3. I am Sîn-ahhī-erība, the king of Assyria, son of Šarru-kīn, king of Assyria, the great king, the legitimate king, the king of the universe! I am the conqueror from the Upper Sea to the Lower Sea, I have placed all rulers at my feet, I am the king of the four corners! I am Sîn-ahhī-erība, the king of kings, who fears Assur, who piles up heaps of grain and cereal, who has expelled starvation during my days, righteous shepherd of the people, having no rival!

Very Aggressive Follow-Ups:

1. I am no hairstylist! Nabû-ushabshi, king of hairstylists, I hung up in front of the gate of his city on a stake. His land, his wife, his sons, his daughters, his property, the treasure of his palace, I carried off. I trampled him down like a threshing sledge. All of its people, and its goods, I took to Assyria.

2. The nobles and elders of the city came out to me to save their lives. They seized my feet and said: ‘If it pleases you, kill! If it pleases you, spare! If it pleases you, do what you will!’

3. The sepulchers of their earlier and later kings, who did not fear Assur and Ishtar, my lords, and who had plagued the kings, my fathers, I destroyed, I devastated, I exposed to the sun. Their bones I carried off to Assyria. I laid restlessness upon their shades. I deprived them of food-offerings and libations of water.

4. I, Sîn-ahhī-erība, king of kings, king of Assyria, king of Sumer and Akkad, greet you! You wish to know how I drove hunger out of my lands, as the shepherd drives out the lion? You wish to know how I crushed mighty Babylon, and caused it to be as a meadow? You wish to know how Jerusalem was laid waste by my hand? Truly I have done all of these things because I, Sîn-ahhī-erība, fear Assur, my lord.

Maybe Too Aggressive Follow-Ups, Could Be Construed as Death Threats (they’re real, I swear):

1. With their blood, I dyed the mountain red like red wool, the rest of them, the ravines and torrents of the mountain swallowed. I carried off captives and possessions from them. I cut off the heads of their fighters and built therewith a tower before their city. With fire I burned their adolescent boys and girls.

2. Their dismembered bodies I fed to the dogs, swine, wolves, and eagles, to the birds of heaven and the fish in the deep.... What was left of the feast of the dogs and swine, of their members which blocked the streets and filled the squares, I ordered them to remove from Babylon, Kutha and Sippar, and to cast them upon heaps.

3. I cut their throats like lambs. I cut off their precious lives as one cuts a string. Like the many waters of a storm, I made the contents of their gullets and entrails run down upon the wide earth. My prancing steeds harnessed for my riding, plunged into the streams of their blood as into a river. The wheels of my war chariot, which brings low the wicked and the evil, were bespattered with blood and filth. With the bodies of their warriors I filled the plain, like grass. Their testicles I cut off, and tore out their privates like the seeds of cucumbers.

We at Maximum Effort, Minimum Reward, do not recommend you use these, for legal reasons.

1. Lots of credit to Nimit Sohoni and Sophia Williams for helping me collect these!